To Marry Your Best Friend Or Not To Marry Your Best Friend – That Is The Question
We are wrong to look for both intimacy and comradery in the same person; when we do, we end up with neither.
– Daniel Camomile
Recently, my wife Susan Granger and I had a discussion centering around how blessed we were to marry our best friend. Both of us had been in a previous marriage which, we agree, was not ideal.
Later I started to research the opposite point of view: why it may be detrimental to marry your best friend. I personally did not see any downside but there are others who believe it is not the right choice.
FYI: My wife was very afraid that getting married would change our relationship. Years later, I have come
to the conclusion that it was an unidentifiable ‘floating fear.’ Before I delve into the negative (fear) and positive side of marrying your best friend, we both agree that getting married in 2002 after living together for 16 years was the perfect choice.
I’ll begin by asking a question. How do you define ‘friendship’? Does your definition of friendship exclude being married to your best friend?
While definitions of friendship can vary slightly by culture or context, the following elements are generally considered foundational to the concept of friendship across societies.
Here’s mine: A good friendship typically includes support in good times and bad times, honesty and trust, loyalty, a voluntary interpersonal relationship involving trust and support, shared experiences, totally voluntary, mutual affection, balanced and deep affection.
THE DOWNSIDE OF MARRYING YOUR BEST FRIEND
If one person feels more ‘in love’ than the other, it can lead to imbalance and pain.
– James Mapes
Let’s begin with what I consider the three most obvious reasons for not marrying your best friend.
1. Physical intimacy: Friendship alone is not enough. Romantic chemistry matters, too. Cut to the quick – sex, intimacy, being in love and cuddling. Friendship alone doesn’t guarantee physical passion. You do not want to become just ‘roommates.’
Sometimes, friendships are better off remaining platonic. The reality is that romance can complicate a friendship to the point of the end of the friendship.
2. Challenging you to grow: One of the most common problems in couples who have been friends for years – before marriage – is the lack of emotional challenge as opposed to – agreeing all the time.
Marrying your best friend might result in one partner being too used to agreeing and not challenging the partner enough for personal growth. Perhaps the fear of losing your partner?
The real danger is that one person can unconsciously take control of the relationship and make all the decisions. You need a partner to give you constructive criticism and help you grow on all levels.
3. Losing your freedom and independence: This morning, years after living together and 15 since getting married, I asked my wife a question. “What were you really afraid of by getting married again.” With no hesitation, she answered, “Being dictated as to what I should or should not do.”
I do believe, having been a personal coach for more than 40 years, that there are many unfortunate marriages where the other partner dictates all decisions. I personally find it a bit sad and certainly stressful for the marriage.
THE UPSIDE OF MARRYING YOUR BEST FRIEND
Marry your best friend. I do not say that lightly. Really, truly find the strongest, happiest friendship in the person you fall in love with. Someone who speaks highly of you. Someone you can laugh with.
The kind of laughs that make your belly ache, and your nose snort. The embarrassing, earnest, healing kind of laughs. Wit is important. Life is too short not to love someone who lets you be a fool with them. Make sure they are somebody who lets you cry, too. Despair will come. Find someone that you want to be there with you through those times. Most importantly, marry the one that makes passion, love, and madness combine and course through you.
A love that will never dilute – even when the waters get deep, and dark.”
– N’tima Preusser
1. Deep trust and understanding already exist. Consider what an advantage to a successful and loving marriage this is. Sometimes it takes years to develop trust and understanding in a budding relationship.
2. Shared values and communication tend to be stronger. If you have a best friendship that’s been years in the making, the assumption would be that, including differences, you have a lot in common. You are at ease with effortless communication and have shared your values.
I strongly recommend, if you are considering marriage, to make it a priority that you are both clear on your separate and shared values. Shared values guide your path for the future and ensure a connection.
You will enjoy this article on values:
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/magic-personal-family-organizational-values-james-mapes/
3. Emotional safety, the bridge to emotional intimacy. Emotional safety is the absolute key to a healthy and happy relationship because it creates the path for ‘emotional intimacy.’
Building ‘emotional safety’ requires time and patience. It is built on mutual true, unconditional support and deep respect.
Once emotional safety is present, magic happens. Emotional safety gives you and your partner a deep sense of closeness which allows you to express your vulnerabilities, hopes, dreams, fears and be accepted for whom you are. You know you have unwavering support, and your partner always has your back.
BE KIND. BE GENTLE. EXPRESS YOUR TRUE SELF
4. FUN, FUN, FUN & ADVENTURE, ADVENTURE, ADVENTURE. You enjoy each other’s company in everyday life—both in the highs and lows. I’m not suggesting that there won’t be times when you need a little space. That’s healthy.
I have found that with my spouse, I have a built-in partner for enjoyment, making new memories, sharing mutual hobbies (For example, if one side of the marriage enjoys constantly playing golf and the other does not, well – you see the problem.) Then, there is the joy, laughter, and enhancing the joy of my marriage partner.
Bottom line: If friendship includes love, respect, emotional and physical attraction, and a shared vision for the future—yes, marrying your best friend can be a beautiful and enduring choice. Just be honest with yourself about what’s truly there.
IMAGINE THAT!
James Mapes is a keynote speaker, best-selling author, coach and hypnotist. His most recent book IMAGINE THAT! Igniting Your Brain for Creativity and Peak Performance is the first web-supported book with access to 21 video-coaching clips.
James Mapes is the founder of Quantum Leap Thinking™, creator of The Transformational Coach™, expert on the psychology of “applied imagination,” best-selling author, highly acclaimed business speaker, consultant, seminar leader and personal excellence coach.